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Follicle Follies

By Joe Rector

I’ll watch most anything on television, at least for a few minutes. Very little of what I view is offensive enough to make me change the channel or turn the set off. However, some commercials irk me to the point that I want to yell profanities at the screen. Many of those ads offer products for hair. I don’t get it.

For some reason, lots of men don’t want to be seen with gray hair. The other day I was at the place where I have my hair cut and spied a little old man who must have been close to 80 having his hair dyed. Millions of other males choose, instead, to use things like Just for Men. It’s supposed to cover “just the right amount of gray.” How much is that? In one commercial, a man’s young children give him the stuff and encourage him to find someone to date. Huh?

What’s wrong with having a head full of silver strands? My hair began turning gray years ago; my brother Jim and I struggle to remember a time when we were brunettes. It was a gift of genetics from our mother, and we’ve managed in spite of this evident handicap.

Razor commercials flood the airways. An announcer is yammering about the fabulous shave that some “technologically advanced” razor is giving. Women can have silky smooth legs and underarms. Men can have the closest, safest shaves of their lives.

To that I say, “Big deal.” The truth is that most of us, men and women alike, will arise each day with the knowledge that our faces, pits, and limbs must be scraped clean with a sharp blade. Oh, some will use electric devices which are poor substitutes for the cold steel of a razor. Sometimes the instruments will dull so that removing hair is a rather painful affair. At other times, faces and legs will be covered with wads of toilet paper to ebb the flow of red from nicks and scrapes.

Other gadget commercials promise wonderful results. For instance, the Micro Touch is the right tool between haircuts. Why, a guy can cut those pesky hairs on the back of his neck or the ones the sprout from his ears. Best of all, this little machine takes care of unsightly nose hairs. It makes the perfect stocking stuffer for Christmas.

What’s the need for such a gadget? A pair of tweezers can do the job just as effectively. Oh sure, using them causes a man’s eyes to fill with tears with each pluck from a nostril, but hey guys, man up.

The goofiest new product is called the No-No. This little contraption is used by rubbing it back and forth over areas where hair is present. The treated places can be the arms, faces, legs, and lips. Supposedly, the No-No sends out thermo pulses that crystallize hairs. Is that anything like burning them?

The one place that seems ridiculous to use this new tool is on a man’s chest, but honest, the commercial show a woman running a No-No over a man’s pecks. Times have sure changed, perhaps not for the good. I remember when doing some manly things were said to “put hair on a male’s chest.” Now that look is disgusting. Guys want chests that are as smooth as a baby’s bottom.

Some of us aren’t so wrapped up in hair. In fact, lots of guys are what I call “folliclely” challenged. I’m becoming one with each passing day. I don’t worry too much about tools to help me cut, clip, and remove hair; nature is doing that just fine. If our biggest worries are about what to do with unwanted hair, I’d say we should hit our knees and thank the good Lord for all His blessings.

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