By Alex Norman
The 2015 NFL season is still four and a half months away, but that shouldn’t stop us from making predictions on exactly how the season will go for the Tennessee Titans.
And since the NFL has released the entire 2015 schedule, we can now go week by week for what should be one of the most exciting seasons in team history!!! (Long pause…) Ok, how about just “one of the seasons” instead?
(Writer’s note: This is meant to be funny. Whether you find it funny is a personal decision that you and only you can make.)
In Week 1 the Tennessee Titans will kick off the 2015 season against the almost equally as putrid Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the team that edged them out for the worst record in football a year ago. Despite being accused of no fewer than 49 crimes the previous week, quarterback Jameis Winston, the Bucs top pick, leads Tampa Bay to a 6-5 victory over the Titans and their top pick, quarterback Marcus Mariota. After the game, Winston is carried off the field by Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher, as well as members of the Tallahassee Police Department.
In Week 2 the Titans pick up a win over Johnny Manziel and the Cleveland Browns, 14-10. After the game Manziel heads back to rehab as he was emotionally shattered following a loss to the Titans, a team that he should have been able to run up, over and around with ease.
The Titans kick off a four game home stand on September 27 against Indianapolis. The Colts view the game as a sort of bye week. Quarterback Andrew Luck wants a challenge so he only throws the ball with his left hand. Luck passes with 4 touchdowns and 375 yards in a 31-0 victory.
In week 4 the Buffalo Bills come to Nashville in a rematch of the “Music City Miracle” game in the 1999 playoffs. The Titans pull out all the stops, even activating Frank Wycheck. Bringing him out of the broadcast booth was a horrible idea as Wycheck is nearly 44 years old and gets hit many times. Wycheck will be bed ridden for months, and the Titans fall to 1-3 with a 35-10 defeat. After the game Bills coach Rex Ryan parties on Broadway to the delight of visiting upstate New Yorkers in town for the game and to escape the two feet of snow that fell in Buffalo on October 9th.
After splitting games against Miami (win!) and Atlanta (loss, cue sad Price is Right sound effect), the Titans head to their former home of Houston for a week 8 matchup against the Texans. Tennessee’s media contingent breaks a record for number of “without Tennessee you don’t even have a state”references, as the game is too horrible to be documented. Unconfirmed reports give Houston a 3-0 win on a field goal kicked by JJ Watt for some reason.
Week 9. The Titans go to New Orleans. Every member of the Titans roster is arrested for “getting crunk” in the French Quarter. Tennessee forfeits.
Back at home on November 15th, Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers dominate the Titans 40-0. Titans coach Ken Whisenhunt is fired and for some reason replaced by Barry Switzer.
Now at 2-7, the Titans hopes and dreams of making the playoffs are starting to shatter, so of course this is where they start to turn things around. A Thursday night prime time audience sees Mariota throw for 250 yards and run for 110 more in a 22-21 win at Jacksonville. Mariota celebrated by having a second glass of milk after the game.
Back at home on November 29th, the Titans give thanks for the Oakland Raiders being in town. The AFL memories are strong, but the quality of play is not. Titans 13, Raiders 11.
For some reason the schedule makers subject fans to two Titans/Jaguars matchups within 17 days of each other. A near riot takes place in Nashville as fans protest this cruel and unusual punishment. The Titans “out-boring” the Jags 7-3.
The Titans are 6-7 and feeling good, and feel even better after a win in New Jersey over the Jets. Reality sets in on December 20th when Bill Belichick pulls out all the stops in Foxborough. Bringing back memories of their 2009 matchup, Tom Brady throws 6 touchdown passes in the Pats 59-0 win.
The Titans never recover, losing by that same score to Houston and Indianapolis over the final two weeks of the season.
Tennessee finishes 6-10. Not good enough to make the playoffs, and not bad enough to snag one of the best players in the 2016 NFL draft.
As much as things change… they stay the same.